Notes on My Two First Years in U.P.

Mula elementary hanggang senior high school, laging napapapunta ang parents ko sa school. Despite being a stellar student, I admittedly did not have the best behavior. Good grades ≠ good attitude. So I told myself, I’ll change that pagdating ng college. I’m breaking the tradition, gano’n. I won’t do something that’ll cause a scene, that’ll require people to meet each other to resolve problems. I won’t cause stress for others, I won’t be a hassle. I’ll be good.

Eh kaso hindi. Apparently, pursuing a program that you never really wanted won’t help. You’ll just end up spiraling back to your rotten core of wreaking havoc for everyone.

So that’s exactly what happened. Wala naman nang magulang na napatawag sa guidance o principal’s office. Wala na ring teachers na nagsagutan. But there were a lot of tears. A lot, lot of crying moments that drained every bit of water and power inside of me. There were also outbursts because of so much stress, exhaustion, and frustration. There were a lot of misunderstandings that eventually led to fights, not only between me and myself but also between those who surround me. So much for breaking tradition.

I got into the prestigious University of the Philippines through the UPCA process. I was one of the blessed ones na favorite ni Lord dahil I got my first choice campus AND my first choice program — an opportunity a lot would kill for. Kaya nga at 6 AM on July 15, 2021, I cried so hard out of happiness nung nakita ko ang big-ass green CONGRATULATIONS sa screen ng laptop kong luma. Damn, pasado! That was my (Kim Chiu voice) U.P., andito na ‘ko! moment.

But I wouldn’t deny that despite the joyous tears, there was a great pang of fear. I felt anxious pagkakita ko palang ng program na nakuha ko. BS Interior Design. Was it what I really wanted? Kind of. Like any patriarchal family, my father’s decisions and suggestions were usually taken into consideration and obeyed. He wanted me to take Architecture. I used to want to — when I briefly got obsessed with anime and the landscapes of Japan — but quickly changed my mind after a while. After all, hindi naman talaga ako magaling magdrawing. Medj lang. Lalo na sa math. Giiiiirl, walang pag-asa. So I settled with Interior Design. Almost the same as Architecture but less Math. Keri ko namang ayusin drawing skills ko, right? Right?

Yes, keri naman. But the mental torment of feeling like you’re not doing enough everyday? The torture of knowing that all your classmates enjoy the plates while you struggle to get through a single page because you fucking hate how that one shade of color is off which feels like a huge betrayal to the reference picture? That fucking sucks. Sobra. I always feel like throwing up whenever I sit in front of my drafting table thinking I have to do this shit for 3 more years, or even more, if I manage to fuck up some courses.

So, yes, my first first year in U.P. was far from great. That was when I realized that they weren’t joking na medj hawig ang U.P. sa impyerno when you’re studying in it. Lalo na kapag hindi mo gusto ang inaaral mo rito. It was a whole academic year, two semesters, 8 months of salamat UP but backwards.

In the midst of my first finals szn in U.P., I emailed my adviser about shifting concerns. We discussed my plans for changing programs. After that, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my back, parang nabunutan ako ng tinik. I finally admitted I didn’t belong in that program no matter how much I liked my classmates or how high my grades were. If I stayed there, I wouldn’t be called to the principal’s office or get scolded by a teacher, but I’d go crazy. I’d lose myself.

After my first academic year comes the shifting application season. I applied for 3 programs: BA Film, BA Journalism, and BA Philippine Studies. Film really was my target, my dream, what I consider as my “calling.” Journalism was a backup. Philippine Studies was… a backup, too. My Fil 40 Professor kept on talking and boasting about it because she was a graduate of the program. I liked her so I checked the program curriculum, found it great, then applied. Even if I didn’t get into Film, getting into Journalism or Phil Stud would suck less than staying in a program I was not passionate about.

Fast forward, pumasa ako sa tatlong in-applyan ko. Yabang moment! I was elated, lalo na no’ng natanggap ko ang acceptance letter mula sa Film. But as a panganay in a middle class Asian family without generational wealth, I could never not consider practicality over passion. So I didn’t choose Film and instead went for Philippine Studies. Hindi rin naman tunog practical ang Phil Stud, but hear me out: inside the Phil Stud curriculum, students have an internal and external major. Internal majors ay kukunin sa loob ng Departamento ng Filipino at Panitikan ng Pilipinas (DFPP) while External majors could be any program sa UP Diliman. As for me, I am taking Panitikang Pilipino as my internal major and Film as my external. I have 18 units for PP and 24 units allotted for Film. Winner pa rin — Film major pa rin — kahit hindi BA Film ang nakalagay sa CRS ko. Magic!

My second first year in U.P. was so much better than my first first year. I was able to study what I want, have enough time for myself, get back to working as a writer, and pursue some hobbies. Hindi na ako nakasubsob sa drafting table buong araw, crying over drawing mistakes and stressing color palettes. Now, I get to study Philippine revolutions, film history, languages, economics, politics, and a whole lot more. I was also able to join a film organization and film productions. I finally found the place I fit into.

Turns out, the key to breaking that tradition of yearly stress, fights, and tears was to pursue what I really want. After all, it’s my life — why should I allow anyone to drive it? I spent so many years going after what others tell me to and doing what would satisfy their failed dreams, even if it cost my own castles to crumble. I used to live anxiously everyday, scared for the future because I did not know how to navigate a path that someone else designed for me.

After my first two years in U.P., finally, masaya na ako sa inaaral at ginagawa ko. I definitely have some faulty choices, but pursuing what I truly love is certainly one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Whoever you are, I hope you’re doing what you love, too. ‘Yan lang ang tunay na paraan para manatiling buhay.